GOP Pulls Out It’s Big Guns

Senate Republicans are taking their balls and going home!

Washington D.C. – The Democraps thought they could get away with passing health reform using reconciliation?  Well the Republicans can play that game too.*  The Republicans aren’t going to throw a tantrum.  They’re going to show their grit and determination, by holding their breath.  You don’t want to play fair, Democraps?  Well, John McCaint is going to take his balls and go home.  The Repubes are using a little known rule that states that committee hearings can only continue after 2 hours if there is unanimous  consent.  And the Repubes don’t plan to give consent on anything.

Not only do the Senate Republicans hope to stall the health reform, but they’ll stall everything being considered.  John McCaint, “You want a hearing about training the Afghan police?  Not our problem, Obama.  You should have thought about that, before you pushed this healthcare package.” And McCaint means it.  He’s going to figuratively sit and pout, until the Democraps see reason.  (Not likely)  Then when nothing gets done, the GOP can blame the Democraps for being unproductive.  The next election is basically already won.

And that’s just for starters, the Repubes already have plans to stall the healthcare bill if/when they finally get to it.  McCaint went on to say, “We’re also going to make a lot of useless amendments to the health care bill.  Some of them suggesting things that we had removed.  Why you ask, Obama?  To piss you off, Kemosabe.”

Things don’t look good for the healthcare bill, Obama, or the American people, but things are sure starting to look rosy for the Conservatives on the Hill and across the country.**

-I’m Ann Coldterd, and I like what I see in the mirror, America.  (my face)

McCaint holding his breath in front of the Repulican Treehouse on Capitol Hill

* Not literally, since they don’t have enough voting members

** God’s Chosen Elite

Obama Shows His Socialist Colors!!!

Obama blatantly shows off his Socialist leanings to distract us from the healthcare bill!

Washington D.C. – President Obama has stuck his foot in his Socialist mouth again.  Only this time, he did it on purpose.  Today, Badolf* filled out his 2010 NCAA men’s basketball tournament bracket on ESPN’s SportCenter.  And altthough most of his choices showed forethought, wisdom, and even some good ol’ American courage, his choice for the national champion was downright ludicrous.  He picked Kansas?!?!?!?

Who in their right mind would think that Kansas could possibly take the crown again.  It’s only been  2 years, since they took it all and graduated their core players.  Mario Chalmers is gone, Mr. Fuhrer!!!  Who does he thinking is at the helm in Lawrence, John Wooden?  Who does he think is manning the middle?  It’s Cole Aldrich, not Wilt the Stilt!!

But Badolf knows this.  He’s not so dumb for a liberal**. He knows that we’re all on the internets now, and we all have access to the google.   So anybody can do a little research and find this picture below.  It speaks for itself, and our wily Badolf knows this.  He has deliberately set up this scandal to distract us from the healthcare bill.  So don’t get caught up calling him a Nazi, and forget what is really going on.  He’s trying to supply healthcare to everyone.  Do you want healthcare that is more accessible and cheap?  Me Neither.

Rock Chalk, JayHawk Mein Fuhrer***  I don’t think so.  I’m Glen Bekkk

Hitler during NCAA Tourney, circa 1938

* Combination of Barack and Adolf.

**Socialist

*** Not Mein!!!!!!!!

Use Reverse Psychology on the Iranians!!!

It’s so obvious, Mr. President!!!

Tehron, Iran – In case anyone hasn’t been paying attention, the Iranians are making nukes and pointing them at the US.  Not only have they been blatantly enriching uranium for their “power plants,” but now this new document has leaked showing how they have been working on detonators for nuclear bombs.  Hello!!  Any more questions?  Mr. Obama, I appreciate your attempts a speaking to the Iranians, and taking a diplomatic route, but that’s just not going to work.  They Iranian ambassador admitted the problem himself.

Ambassador Khazaee spoke recently about how Iran perceives the US, and I quote* “Dating back to the revolution in 1977, we have seen the US as the enemy and it’s actions as distrustful and wrong.  If they say the sky is blue, we will say it is red.  That is our official stance.  Iran = Opposite of America.”

Okay, do you see the opportunity there Mr. President?  It’s simple.  You use reverse psychology!  They’re asking for it.  If we want them to cease their nuclear development, we ask them to continue.  If we want them to become democratic, then we have to say that we like their current government.  Black is white, so to speak, Mr. President.**

Besides, if that doesn’t work we can always do the tried and true method of attacking them, and ruining their gov’t/country.***

Duuuuuh, Mr. President

*Paraphrased

** Pun intended.

***See Irag & Afghanistan

Mohammad Khazaee

Bring Back the Glory Holes, America!!!

Gays don’t want to get married, they just want their Glory Holes back!!!

Wrigleyville, IL – It’s our own fault, people.  We’ve been too intrusive on these deviants’ life styles.  We should have left them in the shadows.  If we want our freedom of speech and right to bare arms, then I guess we have to allow the sicko’s their female impersonating and right to bare shoulders.

You see, the gays aren’t stupid and they’re not monogamous, obviously.  We all know that, so why would they fight for marriage equality?  Because they realize, that the only way to keep our noses out of their business is to fight fire with fire.  So, they’re getting political on us.  They don’t want to get married!  They don’t care how these elections turn out!  They just want to make us talk about them and their sick, perverted lives.  And it’s working!!  I can’t get thoughts of these gays out of my head!!

You see, they’re willing to live their depraved lives in peace, as long as we leave them to it.  But thanks to amateur gays, like former Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) and Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida), we’ve outed two of their main methods of practicing their “faith.”  Glory Hole use has dropped off dramatically, since former Sen. Craig was caught in 2007.  And you can’t even try to proposition young boys online these days, thanks to former Rep. Foley’s slip up in Congress. * What does that leave them?  Back alley rendezvous?  Nope, that got taken away during the celebrated gay-bashing movement of the late 80′s.  Cross dressing?  Nope, now that Crocodile Dundee taught us how to recognize and identify a “tranny,” that’s not an option.  So what can they do?

Well, they’ve come after us politically.  What choice did we give them?  They’re forcing their bogus issues onto our immaculately clean and honest ballots.  For what?  For healthcare?  As if any healthcare company would cover any of them.

It gets worse, they’ve even threatened to add homosexual info and guidelines to our grade school curriculum.  Obviously, that’s not going to happen, but they’ve been able to scare people into the voting booths because of that threat.  And once again, they aren’t interested in the results.  They just want to send us a message; “Keep your noses out of our glory holes!”

Message received.  – I’m Sean Calamity.

* Not to mention, Chris Hanson’s efforts to ruin the night life of pedophiles and gays.

Keep Your Hands Off of My Hate Crimes!!!

This Bill is Un-Constitutional!!!

Washington, D.C. -  Today, President Obama is signing the Matthew Shepard Hate Crime Bill, and in doing so he will be violating our Constitutional rights!  He will be taking us one step closer to his Socialist Commune.  It’s very simple, by taking away our ability to attack or kill someone based on their religion, race, or sexual orientation, our “honorable” President has infringed on our freedom of speech.  It’s called the Bill of Rights, Mr. President!  Ever read it?  Cause you’re flying in the face of the 1st article!

It is my God-given right to choose who to hate, and how I wish to deal with/attack them.  If I choose to beat up a Baptist for being so stupid, that is my way of “saying,”  “read a book dummy.”  If I shove a nerdy kid down a flight of stairs, it’s just my way of “saying,” “toughen up Nancy!”  If I were to put a knife to a Congresswoman’s throat, it would just be my way of  “saying,” “don’t you dare stop the health care industry from throwing money at me and my friends.”

What are you going to enact next, a Barney the Dinosaur Love Crime Bill*?  Because by your line of rationale Obama, I shouldn’t be allowed to hug someone, based on the same criteria.  So stop glad-handing all of the sissies and Jews, Mr. President, otherwise you’ll  look like a hypocrite.  So, stop while you’re ahead, and leave my hate crimes alone.  Any attempts to interfere with them, is against everything our Founding Fathers fought for!!!

We’re all familiar with how much of a prankster Washington and Franklin were.  And no on can forget the famous painting below, “Declaration of Sindependence,”  which depicts the famous trip of Thomas Jefferson by John Adams.  Adams was quoted later as saying, “Jefferson sounds like a fairy, when he speaks in Latin.”  So, if it’s good enough for the founders of this great DEMOCRACY, then it’s good enough for me, Mr. President.  So, leave my Hate Crimes alone!!!

I’m Bill O’Really.

John Adams hating on Thomas Jefferson.

* FOX Noose is actually all for the Love Crime Bill.

Shoot Me!!!!

It’s going to get worse people!!!

New York, NY -  America, I’m calling out to you.  Please shoot me.  This Obamination is going to get worse, and I don’t think I can take much more.  More importantly, I don’t think you guys should have to either.  Your chances of surviving this ordeal will increase tenfold, if I’m gone and no longer telling you the truth.  So shoot me!  Poison me!!  Lynch me in a graveyard, and write FED on my chest!  Anything, as long as I die!!  Because people, fellow Americans, ignorance is bliss!  And as long as I’m around, you’re going to suffer from knowing how bad it is!!!

Now, I know we use a lot of veiled threats towards Obama and his crew, but I really mean this one!  Somebody should run me over, repeatedly!  I’m not trying to tip-toe around this one folks.  I really mean it.  I don’t need plausible deny-ability.  I need one of you patriots, to painfully take my life.  For the good of America!!

I know, I know.  We’re always using hyperbole and histrionics to make a point here at FOX Noose, but not this time.  This time, I’m being 100% sincere.  You want to know how you can tell that I’m telling the truth?  I’m not crying.  If I cry during one of my news skits, then it’s probably not truth-based.  And my type of truth will soon become counter productive, to America.  To the point that it is harmful.  I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on this one.  Someone come and  hit me with a baseball bat until I hemorrhage enough blood to save you all.

I should no longer be broadcasting over the airwaves or on the internet.  Someone should put you people out of your misery, and end my life.  I know I’m asking a lot, but do it for your country.  I don’t care how you do it, water-board me, beat me with a shovel, stab me repeatedly, push me in front of a moving train/bus, as long as you do it.  You won’t believe me now, but America will be a better place once I’m gone.*

Glen "Dirk Watley" Bekkk keeping it real. Real dumb.

*If VH1 Classic coincidentally hires a new VJ after my demise, that looks a lot like me, it’ll just be a coincidence.  So don’t hesitate to tune into Dirk Watley’s Home-grown Ho-Down on Friday nights at 9pm EST on VH1 Classic!!!!

What, Are We in Russia?!?!?!

Are We?!?!!?

I Don’t Know, Earth – Someone tell me please.  Are we in Russia?  I don’t know.  I can’t tell where we are anymore.  The anti-Obama information that I’m getting from Republican headquarters has confused me.  I can’t tell what reality is anymore.  Are we in Russia?  Or is this America.  It’s so confusing!!!

If we are in Russia, then a lot of these complaints the GOP are making about Obama wouldn’t make any sense.  He’d be doing a good job then, right?  Wait, I get it.  Okay, I figured it out.  Russia is bad.  Obama is bad.  We’re in America. I get it.  What’s up with all of the czars?  Obama is turning America into Russia!

Okay, I’m good.  I’ve got it figured out.  [Right?]

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?????

Democrats Wrong about Palin!!

Those bleeding-heart liberals can stop throwing mud at our Sarah Palin.

America, USA.  Revelations have come out today, that paints the Democrats as prejudiced bigots.  Labels they so casually stamp on conservatives.  Well after hearing this story, I can say that I’m proud to be a racist homophobe, compared to how these liberals have been acting.  As it turns out, one Ms. Sarah Palin is not an American.  She’s not even from Earth.  She’s from Melmac!!!!  Who looks stupid now Couric?!?!?!  They don’t have magazines on Melmac, you condescending “reporter.”

It’s true.  Sarah Palin has revealed in her new autobiography that she actually hails from Melmac.  An alien planet that is located approximately six parsecs past the Hydra-Centaurus Supercluster, which is the Milky Way’s closest neighbor.  Apparently, our Ms. Palin grew up on a planet that had a green sky, blue grass and a purple sun.  Can you imagine?  No wonder she seemed so ill-at-ease during last year’s campaign.  She was playing a part for the cameras*.  She obviously is not a “hockey mom,” and wouldn’t know a six pack from a Bouillabaisseball**.  Of course, most of the things she says are mistakes.  It’s because she lacks any frame of reference for how real life is, on Earth.  Hello, did you really think she was that stupid, Blue States?

You left-wing Earth-lovers have my permission to step off!  This “person” is going to be our next candidate, and you better adjust your attitudes.  Because you’ve got nothing on her now!!  What, are you going to go after her nationality?  Her species?  That’s discrimination, hippies!!  How do You like it!??!!  Next debate, you can keep talking about how Bush dug a hole so deep, that it’ll take decades to get out of, but Palin is just going to sit back and eat a cat.  What’s your rebuttal to that?  That’s what I thought.  Be warned, you’re monopoly of Earthling dominated politics is over!!!

-I’m Sean Calamity.

Palin (left) shows an obvious resemblance to ALF (right).

*Liberal media.

**Popular sport played on Melmac

Halloween Poll Results!!!

America has spoken!!!

Alright fellow Americans, you have voted, and your voice has been heard!!  After one week, and over 2 million votes*, we have picked my Halloween costume for 2009!!  The results are as follows;  10th place Ray Charles – 11 votes, 9th place Helen Keller – 12 votes, 8th place Daredevil – 17 votes, 7th place Marlee Matlin – 33 votes, 6th place The older Ingalls Sister from “Little House on the Prairie” – 44 votes, 5th place Stevie Wonder – 1,143 votes, 4th place The stupid Skating Chick from “Ice Castles” – 12,358 votes, 3rd place Medusa – 57,683 votes,2nd place Jose Feliciano – 1,000,000 votes, and the winner with 1,000,001 votes is Slutty Lady Justice!!!

So this Halloween, if you catch me at one of the many big parties that I attend, you’ll see me in the costume that I’m modeling below.  That’s for all you fans, who have followed me for my “views.”  ; )

You will notice I made one change to the costume.  I ditched the scales.  The real Lady Justice doesn’t have time for balance, all she needs is a sword.  That’s the most important tool of justice.  Also, I can see fine, so Justice can see!!!  She can pass judgement on you, based solely on your appearance!!!  Take that degenerates!! (Democrats)

One final thought, I feel that Slutty Lady Justice’s sword should be covered in blood.  And I think it only fitting that it be Obama’s blood.  Now, before you guys get the wrong impression, I don’t mean that “literally.”  I am not asking for any of my rabid fans to seek out some of Obama’s blood for me.  Especially not in the hopes, that you will be able to see me in my Slutty Lady Justice costume.  Although, it would be fantastic to actually have an authentic costume.  I do not want anyone to go out and harm the President for my Halloween costume.**

Anyway I guess that I will just see how my Halloween week goes.  If you see me out that week and I’m covered in viscera, then it’s going to be a good year.  I’m awesome!!!

Slutty Lady Justice - sans bloodied sword

* 1 million of these votes are actually my own.  -AC

**However if you’re a doctor or nurse that has access to the President’s, or his family’s actually, medical records/blood, I will pay well for it.  Call me. -AC

Sahara Failin: Going Rogue

Want to know how to cook dinner, please your husband, and field dress a deer all in the bedroom?

Wasilla, AK -  Hiya Folks!  As many of you know, my a-u-t-o-b-i-o-g-r-a-p-h-y is coming out soon.  Ha!  Happy now, spellcheck?  Anyhoo, I understand that I am the last person who would hawk something as silly and/or dangerous as a book, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate myself on the last several years of my life – who knew a nomadic average college student/beauty queen contestant could get so gosh darn infamous?  That’s right, infamous.  Not just famous, really, really famous.  In-famous.  Cool, right?  Who wouldn’t want to read about me?

Now I know what you’re thinking fellas.  Read a book?  About a chick?  But seriously, buy the book.  I’m not your average chick.  I get “It.”  I do.  And I kill things.  Lots a things, all the time.  I know what a reverse lay-up is.  See?  Told ya.  Plus there may or may not be a centerfold.  I’m not telling.  (There is)

The rest of my book, which I might add, only took me a measly 4 months to write, will be available from all fine American retailers beginning November 17th, including Amazon.com (Did anyone else know they sold books?)  In it, I talk about, what a maverick I am.  How my “independent stance apart from my associates” single-handedly shattered the glass ceiling for women everywhere.  I mean, a woman?  In politics?  Who is Hot, and can debate!?  Who would’ve thunk it?   Not me, that’s for sure.      .

As many of you problaby know, I retired from being the governor of Alaska so I could spend more time with my family and get out of the limelight. So I headed straight to devil-may-care California, so I could remember my memories and write this book without any distractions.  But between having all these mouths to feed and all the my  governor kickbacks and favors drying up like my female parts, I don’t have a pot to piss in.  Don’tcha know, these upper lips aren’t going to wax themselves and there’s no way I’m letting Todd do one of those at-home kits on me again.  So, what I’m trying to say, is that gosh darn it, I’m one of you people again.  I’m in the trenches, working for my pay.  So you need to support this American, and her God given right to helicopter hunting trips.

In conclusion, be a real American, not some ObaMachine.  Buy the book.  Don’t borrow it from the socialist-inspired library.  Spend your money to get this country back on its feet.  Learn the secrets to my success, on the runway, at the podium, and in the bedroom.  When I’m done you’ll know how to mix and match for a fully-functional wardrobe (on only a couple of hundred thousand dollars), balance a stay-at-home husband and children, and hunt with a high-powered rifle from a high-powered position.

And most importantly, you’ll welcome Our Savior Lord Jesus Christ as your personal messiah and witch doctor.

No one else will tell you like it is the way I does.  Like me, you’ll thank yourself over and over for making such a wise investment in my future.  Our future.  Seriously, buy this book before I become the president and the price goes up.  God bless.*

Sahara Failin's new Memoir about her memories.

*For all of you really hardcore Sarah fanatics, I promise the next book will have less words and more pictures!